I’m not sure how to start, so I’ll begin with this: I’ve always wanted to be a Mom. I used to say that I wanted to have 10 kids, although I’m not sure I really meant that... Growing up, my parents always made it clear, that having me and my brothers was the greatest joy in their life.

My partner Rod and I had talked about wanting to have kids in the future. When I found out I was pregnant earlier this year in April, we were initially both in shock, as we hadn’t expected to have a baby this year. But as the reality settled in, we were excited and happy, and saw it as a blessing for both of us and our families.

We shared with family and friends about us expecting, and everyone was so happy for us. It was really touching to see how much love and joy people had for our future baby, someone they didn’t even know! Everything was going pretty smoothly through the pregnancy. Besides being very tired through the first trimester and having some back pain, I never felt nauseous or sick, and was able to live life pretty normally.

At around 18 weeks, I started to experience some bleeding which can always be a concern with pregnancy. I got checked multiple times, from my own doctor, a different OB, and a visit to the ER. Each time, they ensured me that the baby was healthy with a strong heartbeat, my cervix looked fine, and my placenta was in good placement. The bleeding was thought to be caused by cervical polyps, which can appear during pregnancy due to all the hormones.

At my 20 week anatomy scan (where they take a close look at all the body parts and organs of the baby to make sure everything is developing properly), the radiologist pointed out a subchorionic hematoma near my placenta, and recommended I get checked by a doctor. A subchorionic hematoma is basically a collection of blood between the wall of the uterus and one of the sacs that surrounds the baby. The bleeding can happen when there is some separation of the placenta or membranes from the uterine wall.

Since I was past 20 weeks, I was able to be seen at Labor & Delivery, instead of going to the ER. Again, at this time when the doctor checked me out, she said that everything looked fine. She let me know that the bleeding would likely go away on its own as my placenta grew. It would naturally heal, just as any other cut or bruise on the body would heal.

The following night, a big blood clot come out of me. It was past midnight, but we decided to get checked again to be safe. We headed to Labor & Delivery, and since it was after hours it took a bit longer to be seen. Unlike all the other visits I had, the doctor on duty seemed a bit concerned this time. He suggested that I stay overnight to be monitored. My cervix was a bit shorter, there was fluid in the cervix, and I didn’t know it at the time, but I was having mild contractions.

In the morning, as they studied my labs again, my blood counts were dropping, as was my blood pressure. I was barely spotting at this time, so the major concern was increased internal bleeding. I got an MRI to get imaging on the internal bleeding, and the results showed that the hematoma doubled in size, from around 6cm to around 12cm.

Because of the amount of bleeding and my blood pressure and blood counts continually dropping, we had to make a decision to have a surgical procedure to protect my own health. Unfortunately the baby was not viable to live outside of my womb at 20+ weeks.

The doctors and nurses were kind and compassionate, but hated giving me the news that the baby wouldn’t make it. There was so much pain and sadness in the realization that I was losing my baby. Rod was equally as devastated, and at the same time very worried about my health and the bleeding I was experiencing. We were both in tears while trying to make decisions and update our families on what was happening.

Everything happened so quickly, and they got me to the operating room as soon as possible. I was under anaesthesia during surgery, so it seemed like it never happened. When I woke up from anaesthesia, I realized the gravity of what happened. Our baby was no longer with us, and I couldn’t stop crying. My parents flew in that night to be with us for a few days.

The past few weeks have been challenging. Between the both of us, Rod and I have years of therapy and sobriety under our belt. It doesn’t make anything easier, but it makes us face pain and uncomfortable emotions head on. We are aware of the patterns of grief, of the waves of sadness that we are navigating.

In my follow ups with my doctor, there was fortunately and unfortunately no good reason or explanation for what happened. Usually a subchorionic hematoma can stay small and heal, but in my case the bleeding went out of control. My doctor described it as a fluke and an unfortunate stroke of bad luck.

I am not at the point of saying “everything happens for a reason,” but I can accept that this is what happened in our case. I don’t blame myself or doctors in any way. I do wish that I embraced pregnancy more. Instead of feeling uncomfortable and insecure about it, I wish I had celebrated more of the Life I was carrying.

In all this devastation and sadness, we’ve received nothing but kindness and love from all those around us. We named our baby Cruz, after the most magical, beautiful place where he was conceived, the lakeside town of Santa Cruz at Lake Atitlan in Guatemala.

Please pray for us around this loss. We thank you for your continued support.